CL Knows and my Life is still K-Drama

Hey guys,

I hope you all had a great St. Pantrics day. I did nothing of course. But study for test. Thank god this week is my last weekk before Spring Break. Yae for me. I can't wait to go to LA for spring break.

On Saturday the 11th I and CL went to Heaven it was ok, but we left and ended up going to Castro. It was really fun it was just me and CL. We are really close but the only closet it will get is a brother and sister like relationship. He calls me meimei(lil sis) and I call him gege(elder bro).

Well last weekend was very intresting and kinda of sad. I hang out with CL and his friend. We went shopping in SF before we went to the Castro. We got really drunk at trigger. Then we spend the night at his friend's house this one is a really nice guy. But a mutual frined of me and CL, a guy I like before CD(my bffs ex), text me and him. I did not knwo this but it looks like CD liked CL. God why do I feel like I am in a Korean drama.

So the text to me was saying I was a smart and good guy and that I should stop giving. And he text him saying that he should stop hanging out with guys who like him and stop trying to be inooccent. The text he gave me did not upset me but the one he sent to CL did. After that CL ask me if I still like him. I said yes. He thought becasue I was young he thought I like many guys and go from one to another really fast.

But we all knwo thats not the case. We had a long talk. But I knew it would not change anything, however, this whole week I was affriad of lossing him as a friend. But he called me yesterday today hangout we went to Dragon and had fun. Slept at his friends house again. Same guy from last week. Thank god our friendship did not change.

I just wish I could find a guy who I can like. I was on downelink the other day. And a guy msg me. He talk to me for about 20mins. We talk about eachother than all of a sudden he msg me about those webcam naked things. I was so pissed. The bay area sucks so much. All I get is guys who want me to see them on those stupid webcam sites, old guys who want to have sex with me. No one around my age wants me here.

Even at the clubs I see guys go up to other guys and my friends making out with people. I can not do this but it would be nice if a guy did that to me. I want to be more gay or in this case more open. I wish I was not so old fashion and conservtative.

Well I will witre again later. I go back now to living a Korean Drama life with no happy ending.

Why does my heart always have to Break.

Hey Guys,

How is everyone doing. I hope well. Me of course been so busy with studying so much. My chinese Class is killing me, but I love learning it. I did go to dragon last night which I have not been there for a month. There were some cuties there. There were two guys who are in the 40's but they look good.

I made a few friends at SJSU which is good, I dont feel so alone now. I was doing good for awhile. But this single life and not worrying about having someone is very hard. I think its because I hang out with CL to much. Being around him makes me like him more. I knwo he doesnt like me. And when he gets a boyfriend it will be hard, but I think I can handle it.

I really do not know if he knows I like him. My friend told him long ago but thats when he was seeing someone. He could have forgot that I like him since that was last year in the summer or he thinks I moved on. I really do not know.


Last night I picked him up we went to Dragon and than we went to one of his old friend's house who is a bitch. He was so mean to me. The guy also kept asking me do I like CL and he was like I can see it and would not stop asking me. I told him Im not going to tell you. He was like Yes or No, I said not going to say anything. He made me feel really uncomfortable. But CL kept defending me which was good. We end up sleeping there. We slept on same bed in the middle of the night his arm was on top of my chest. My heart kept pounding.

The sad thing about me is that I am like a girl, I think. Even though I talk shit about how gay people are sometiems I wish I was just like them. Just kiss a guy at the club or anything. But to me doing things like that makes me feel like a whore. Like CL said to me in the car that wow your face looks so good like a girl. And that he like my hair the way it was. He also told me that emotional Im like a girl. So said for a guy like me.

This seems to be always my life when it comes to love. I end up likeing the wrong guys. Guys who will never get with me. I only get a few guys who like me one is of course is bottom guys, but thats hard since my mentality is like a girl and the fact that Im a bottom. Also old white guys and I mean old 40+, one guy who is the same age as my mother was trying to get with me, thats so wrong. For me I have a 10 years+ from my age and only one year - of my age. Dont forget VA he was so into me but he told me after he got to know me he only saw me as a friend. I thought he knew me. He wants a guy who just like him. he is very sociable, but people have told me he that tries to hard and that its way to sociable. But what ever men just suck.