Thursday, January 13, 2011

Life learning

Dear Readers,

Hey I hope you all or having a great new year that everyone new year statred off great. Like mine, they never do. I do know why maybe becasue the older I get I hate xmas more and New YEars becomes nothing to me.

My life is still boring and alone. Two of my friends are being still distance. I was giving them space even though I did not fight with them but they are acting like I fought with them and that they cant forgive me and go back to being good friends again.

I do not know why people here mis-understadn me at all. I really do not care if they speak chinese. For god sake majority of my friends are chinese and I am learning chinese to. All i was saying is that when they talk and I try to talk they ingnor me. Iv done a lot for our friendship but I think they dont want to see that. Well technially one friend the other one feels wierd if she is in the same room as me and CL.

I learn some things these few weeks. Like what CL and JC said just becasue CL doesnt show that he cares they way I woudl like it, doesnt mean he does not care. I agree with it, I was to stupid before to turely understadn it but now I am also using this same logic for other parts fo life. Like; Just becasue I accpeted everyone for their faults and looked passed the times I felt uncofroatble, they might not do the same to me. I realized not everyone is like CL who will accpet me no matter what. I also learn that when it comes to the gay community and JC I need to be a diffrent person. These past few weeks I learn many things, to much to write here. Maybe next post I will write it.

I wish they would also realize I m changeing it takes time to also. Im changing little by little. I do not want to lose myslef. If they knew me from the beinging of when I was getting into the gay world 3 years ago I am totally different.

These past few weeks I have not been sleeping well and not eating enough. This shows that Im really depressed and that Im thinking. I havent been like this since high school. I was depressed for like 4 months when I lost my good friend. When Im depressed I cant eat anything becasue it taste nasty to me for some reason. I should be glad I m not one of the people who eat a lot when they are sad or depressed. In my life as much saddness I get I would be like 500lbs. I cant sleep all I do is cry myself to sleep and wake up in the middle of the night. I also dont have energy to do anything no motivation.

Well I have six months to figure out what to do. Go back to Korea or stay in the US. I got a job offer to work at the courts translating here in the Bay area, and a job offer to tranlstae back in Korea. Should I go back to Korea were I know Im welcome by friends and can find a lover, or stay in the US, with most of the gay community hating me and not find a lover, a place were its better to work.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Drama & NYS

hey guys,

I hope you all had a great xmas and new years, mine was so so. I did nothing for new years just stayed home in bed wacth movies. I really do not see the point of celbrating a new year. I dont really care just another day of life. Xmas I went to dinner with LC ZT, JC and MCV. After that we went to Shangrila at end up. Than Drama happend.

We went to some place called Velvet something. It was a nice place but the food was crap. It was not worth the 75$ per person. ZT gave me what they have but when we got there they had a different menu. IT was some special xmas menue. I was mad becasue beofre I came I knew what I wanted and they didnt have what I wanted. I know ZT was trying to do something nice but still you need to learn that here in US just because a place looks nice doesnt mean the food is.

Shangrila would have been fun if I didnt get mad at everyone, well at one person. But inside my heart I was mad at everyone just blaming it on one person. People will never understand me. I dont blame them thats their way but I believe you should be able to accpet others faults, and who they are. I know i hate many things but I dont try to change that person or that thing.

School starts in 20Days my last semester. I need to figure out what I am going to do. School ends in May giving me little time to figure out if I should stay here or go back. I dont want to go, but I have to look at the pros and cons. The sad thing is that there are more pros for going going back to Korea and only a few pros for staying here. Also there are few cons for going back and so many cons for staying. I want to stay here becasue of LC my close friend, I really do not want to leave him.

We will see soon.