Life learning

Dear Readers,

Hey I hope you all or having a great new year that everyone new year statred off great. Like mine, they never do. I do know why maybe becasue the older I get I hate xmas more and New YEars becomes nothing to me.

My life is still boring and alone. Two of my friends are being still distance. I was giving them space even though I did not fight with them but they are acting like I fought with them and that they cant forgive me and go back to being good friends again.

I do not know why people here mis-understadn me at all. I really do not care if they speak chinese. For god sake majority of my friends are chinese and I am learning chinese to. All i was saying is that when they talk and I try to talk they ingnor me. Iv done a lot for our friendship but I think they dont want to see that. Well technially one friend the other one feels wierd if she is in the same room as me and CL.

I learn some things these few weeks. Like what CL and JC said just becasue CL doesnt show that he cares they way I woudl like it, doesnt mean he does not care. I agree with it, I was to stupid before to turely understadn it but now I am also using this same logic for other parts fo life. Like; Just becasue I accpeted everyone for their faults and looked passed the times I felt uncofroatble, they might not do the same to me. I realized not everyone is like CL who will accpet me no matter what. I also learn that when it comes to the gay community and JC I need to be a diffrent person. These past few weeks I learn many things, to much to write here. Maybe next post I will write it.

I wish they would also realize I m changeing it takes time to also. Im changing little by little. I do not want to lose myslef. If they knew me from the beinging of when I was getting into the gay world 3 years ago I am totally different.

These past few weeks I have not been sleeping well and not eating enough. This shows that Im really depressed and that Im thinking. I havent been like this since high school. I was depressed for like 4 months when I lost my good friend. When Im depressed I cant eat anything becasue it taste nasty to me for some reason. I should be glad I m not one of the people who eat a lot when they are sad or depressed. In my life as much saddness I get I would be like 500lbs. I cant sleep all I do is cry myself to sleep and wake up in the middle of the night. I also dont have energy to do anything no motivation.

Well I have six months to figure out what to do. Go back to Korea or stay in the US. I got a job offer to work at the courts translating here in the Bay area, and a job offer to tranlstae back in Korea. Should I go back to Korea were I know Im welcome by friends and can find a lover, or stay in the US, with most of the gay community hating me and not find a lover, a place were its better to work.