Why does my heart always have to Break.

Hey Guys,

How is everyone doing. I hope well. Me of course been so busy with studying so much. My chinese Class is killing me, but I love learning it. I did go to dragon last night which I have not been there for a month. There were some cuties there. There were two guys who are in the 40's but they look good.

I made a few friends at SJSU which is good, I dont feel so alone now. I was doing good for awhile. But this single life and not worrying about having someone is very hard. I think its because I hang out with CL to much. Being around him makes me like him more. I knwo he doesnt like me. And when he gets a boyfriend it will be hard, but I think I can handle it.

I really do not know if he knows I like him. My friend told him long ago but thats when he was seeing someone. He could have forgot that I like him since that was last year in the summer or he thinks I moved on. I really do not know.


Last night I picked him up we went to Dragon and than we went to one of his old friend's house who is a bitch. He was so mean to me. The guy also kept asking me do I like CL and he was like I can see it and would not stop asking me. I told him Im not going to tell you. He was like Yes or No, I said not going to say anything. He made me feel really uncomfortable. But CL kept defending me which was good. We end up sleeping there. We slept on same bed in the middle of the night his arm was on top of my chest. My heart kept pounding.

The sad thing about me is that I am like a girl, I think. Even though I talk shit about how gay people are sometiems I wish I was just like them. Just kiss a guy at the club or anything. But to me doing things like that makes me feel like a whore. Like CL said to me in the car that wow your face looks so good like a girl. And that he like my hair the way it was. He also told me that emotional Im like a girl. So said for a guy like me.

This seems to be always my life when it comes to love. I end up likeing the wrong guys. Guys who will never get with me. I only get a few guys who like me one is of course is bottom guys, but thats hard since my mentality is like a girl and the fact that Im a bottom. Also old white guys and I mean old 40+, one guy who is the same age as my mother was trying to get with me, thats so wrong. For me I have a 10 years+ from my age and only one year - of my age. Dont forget VA he was so into me but he told me after he got to know me he only saw me as a friend. I thought he knew me. He wants a guy who just like him. he is very sociable, but people have told me he that tries to hard and that its way to sociable. But what ever men just suck.