New Me (Pics next post)

Hey guys,

Well I hope you all had a great Halloween. Mine was ok yesterday I went to dragon and again not many people wore a custom. Thats why this year I did not wear one. But beside that I was really not in the mood last night so I was just ok.

My bff of course is going out tonight wanted to go with him but since his man, well not really, a guy who wants to be his man picked him up. But the problemm with this guy is he is really clingy and gets jeoulse easy. So Im stratiing to think that me and my bff will not hanging out that much. I will not go up to the city by myself. And my bff has to pass mmy house before he can go to SF. SO we allways woudl swicth whos car we take to this city. He would drive up to my house than I would take my car or his or another friend. Since he lives 30 mins away from me.

Yeah i get jeolsue of him all the time. He always gets these guy who drive to him and pick him up and these guys live near me not really that far like 5-15mins away, they used to pick me up to becasue they knew that they can not sperate us. A lot of poeple knew that if you date him you have to date me too haha. Not really but becasue we are really close its like that almost. A lot of people see that. And the guy ask him and he said yes but I saw in his eyes he hates that and doesnt want that. I feel like hes going to try to destory that.

But its still sad that everyone likes him. Like last night everyone ignores me the guys who know me, who are my bff's guy TZ's friends, they only say hi to me when they want a cig. Kinda sad. I believe that my bff has a new group that doesnt like me. They just fake like me, and Im kinda of tired of that. Becasue when they say hi to him, and I am right next to him so they notice I am there.

I swear I am sick of all this Drama in my life I dont ask for it but it just seems to come in my life. In Korea I do not have drama at all. Only the US. My bff always has a guy after him around this time and than around spring he breaks up with them, becasue he doesnt feel anything.

It would feel nice to have someone loth or wants me so bad, but never. Even one of my friends who also tried to find a bf got one. Hes happy now and I am happy for him to, but if you saw him he kinda of bitchy and slutty but he gets a bf still. Me a sweet guy who is tradional and very respectful gets no one. Life is so wierd. When I had dinner with my bff and TZ he told me that many guys here in the bay area are not really looking for relationships.

This pisss me off so much. So therefore, I have stop looking and chnage into a new person, well who I used to be back in Korea, now beacuse of all this stuff thats happened. Thats why last night I was really not in the mood at all. In Korea drinking with friends is something to be fun and just be with friends but gays here do not see it that way. So tonight at Ruby Sky will be my last night of party. Since Fianls are next month and 4 Research paper will be due in November I need to spend time working on those for awhile. I hope after I change into the new(old) person I will go back to the clubs and see how it works.

My gay life really sucks here. I have a weak heart and a emotional guy I am surprsied I have last this long. Even though I am going back to who I used to be my heart is now fully gone. So everyone who comes into it I m just going to play. I will still be there for my bff CK my goh goh but others I dont care about anymore. Becasue even the guy I like CL that would never work out. I like him a lot still but since things will not work out I am going to stop talking to him and not see him when he comes.

Lately I have be wacthing a lot of old shows again like Queer as Folk, and I think I am going to be like Ted Smith the account guy who gets fuck up on drugs and his sex porn site. I feel like that will be me. My bff could not belive how much porn I have but when you dont get action of course your going to have a lot. The drug part I do not think will happen to me. but when it comes to his love life he gets nothing. Of course once in awhile he will get a guy but thats for sex. I get offers once in awhile but I do not do it. So my life will be like his alone and old with no one to careful.